| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|10:12 am] |
He struck the last note hard. Hairs broke on his bow, which needed to be re-haired anyways. The audience burst into applause. Stand, turn, bow, walk off stage. Applause continued booming through the auditorium. Walk out turn bow again, turn walk off stage. Time to face the audience.
"Wow! You guys were great!" "That was phenomenal!" "That was absolutely marvelous!" "Great job!" Smile, and walk by. That's all he needed to do. These people didn't understand the pain he was feeling. They didn't understand the rage that comes from eternal sadness. His fuel for his performance onstage. He didn't respect himself to allow any feelings of joy or happiness about the performance. Even though he generously gave respect for the other members of the quartet.
Long walk back home alone. Silence. Enjoyably without the excess noise of other people. All there was was nice calm silence, and the songs streaming from his mp3 player. There was no "Me" time anymore for him. All that was taken away from him just like his respect for himself and hope.
Tired. All he wanted was sleep, but other tasks needed to be done first.
Sleep finally came too late, but his sleep was restless and full of nightmares anyways. It didn't matter. It was just annoying to wake up covered in sweat and smelling like a dog. But that was the value of his life wasn't it? About as worthless as any stray on the streets.
Hungry too. But hunger was just a pain in his stomach. It can be ignored for another while.
He found it hard to concentrate in class. It just didn't seem possible. Didn't seem to matter. He fails at everything anyways.
Pain shot up through his arm when he tried to lift objects, and through his leg with each step. Exhausted. But he had to keep going. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|02:11 am] |
Still alive. ..
....
In case anyone cared enough to wonder. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Apparently due to the fact that I've had a rough relationship with my parents, I am more susceptible to depression. Apparently because I have been more depressed than the average person, I am more susceptible to boredom.
I don't know about you, but I find these claims kind of weird. My therapist believes that they may be the sole reason for my bad performance in the classroom. I disagree, but whatever. I don't think being bored with what's going on in class has anything to do with my failure at life. I think what it boils down to is whether or not you can learn the stuff in time for the exam. I know that I do very poorly on exams. Why? Because I lack confidence. This lack of confidence is a direct result of chronic depression. .... Great......
I don't know why but I feel like ranting today. It's been a while since I just ranted on this thing, and there has been some good reasons. I've just gone through a ton of shit.
I feel as if I'm being torn in a million different places all at once. I have to make sure that I can graduate, I have to make sure that these websites are done by the time I leave for Clemson again. I have to make an appointment to see the dentist again. I have to make sure that I don't let the plantar warts on my foot spread to anywhere else. I have to make sure that I practice to be able to sit where I want to in the orchestra next semester.
Frankly I don't think I'm even going to do the orchestra next semester. Then again, I do need an A.
I feel so alone recently. I realize that this is because a lot of my friends are graduating and leaving me behind. Eh. Most of my life has been without any friends anyways. I have grown up not depending on anyone, and now that I have friends to depend on, I've forgotten how to sustain myself by myself. I've forgotten how to problem solve properly. I've started to depend on others to do my problem solving for me. I've started to come into the habit of other people doing my work for me. Or most of it anyways. I feel like I can't really do anything now. It's all fake. I feel fake.
I don't know if any of you have ever been in a situation like this before. Probably have. It seems to be common. You like a girl/guy, but you can't say anything about your feelings about him/her. Yeah. I'm in one of those. It sucks. I'd say something, but I don't want to ruin the friendship that we already have. If the friendship was something that I did not care about as much as I do, then yeah I guess maybe I would ask her out, but even then, I don't know how I would go about doing it. Even if I didn't even know her, and was just meeting her again, I would not have the courage nor confidence to be able to ask her out I feel. Of course if I wasn't so depressed all the damn time, I might actually have the confidence to do something about the situation.
God I hate you depression.
So I took a friend of mine down to the Georgia Aquarium. It was an interesting time. All the main attraction fish were pretty much dead. I think they just got another two whale sharks from Taiwan or something like that. I still owe her a Christmas present, but I guess I'm not going to remember that. Hell I didn't even remember to call Sarah back. I still need to do that. Guess I'll do that whenever my brain decides to stop being so fucking fucked up and pulls me out of my miserable mess. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. There's never anyone to talk to anymore. No one I'd feel comfortable talking to anyways.
I think Kat wants me to go to Athens for New Years. Frankly I just want to crawl into a hole and die (yes let's all curse depression together). I don't know why she even likes me. I'm just a horrible mess right now, and she knows it. I'd just ruin her fun. Then again, I don't exactly have a ride up there, so I guess it's kinda looking like I wouldn't be able to go even if I wanted to.
I guess I should go and get some sleep now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I could write something here, but I know that no one will read nor care about what I write. So what's the point? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|02:42 am] |
Sometimes I wish that I had the motivation to continue in life that other do.
Right now, I don't even know what I want anymore.
I don't even know why I'm writing in here. |
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| Code Monkey -- Jonathan Coulton |
[Nov. 24th, 2007|02:15 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  Yup this is my song now. | ] |
Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
have boring meeting with boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
but his output stink
his code not functional or elegant
what do Code Monkey think
Code Monkey think maybe manager oughta write goddamn login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy just proud
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey hang around at front desk
tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
bring you cup bring you ice
you say no thank you for the soda ’cause
soda make you fat
anyway you busy with the telephone
no time for chat
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle
he sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot
Code Monkey have every reason
to get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
to see your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job fulfilling in creative way
such a load of crap
Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you |
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| Unbreak My Heart -- Toni Braxton |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|02:00 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The night are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss that pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry that tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my
Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|12:07 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
There's nothing like the company of death, when there's nobody else to talk to.
There's nothing like the feel of numbness, when life is full of pain.
There's nothing like the taste of blood, when everything else is bitter.
There's nothing like the sight of dark, when life blinds.
There's nothing like the lack of caring, when life seems hopeless. |
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| Being Loved |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|08:29 am] |
Shivering, as cold as the cold can be,
my soul is dying.
Quivering, for fear is the heat in me,
my future seems shorter than ever.
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're down and out
When you're down for the count.
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for.
I put on more covers, as the cold creeps in,
I light a fire by the fireplace, fueled by pictures of my exes
Fire's not large, but it burns.
My heart burns with it
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're all alone,
When there's no one to care or see,
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for.
I cry, but no one will see,
I try to hold on, I try to reason,
I dream every night of the one I love,
but always face nightmares when I wake
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're down and out,
when you're heart's ripped out.
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for. |
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| Don't call me |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|11:24 pm] |
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My cell phone is in two separate non-re-attachable pieces right now. In other words it is very broken. Please find alternatives to reach me. |
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