| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|10:12 am] |
He struck the last note hard. Hairs broke on his bow, which needed to be re-haired anyways. The audience burst into applause. Stand, turn, bow, walk off stage. Applause continued booming through the auditorium. Walk out turn bow again, turn walk off stage. Time to face the audience.
"Wow! You guys were great!" "That was phenomenal!" "That was absolutely marvelous!" "Great job!" Smile, and walk by. That's all he needed to do. These people didn't understand the pain he was feeling. They didn't understand the rage that comes from eternal sadness. His fuel for his performance onstage. He didn't respect himself to allow any feelings of joy or happiness about the performance. Even though he generously gave respect for the other members of the quartet.
Long walk back home alone. Silence. Enjoyably without the excess noise of other people. All there was was nice calm silence, and the songs streaming from his mp3 player. There was no "Me" time anymore for him. All that was taken away from him just like his respect for himself and hope.
Tired. All he wanted was sleep, but other tasks needed to be done first.
Sleep finally came too late, but his sleep was restless and full of nightmares anyways. It didn't matter. It was just annoying to wake up covered in sweat and smelling like a dog. But that was the value of his life wasn't it? About as worthless as any stray on the streets.
Hungry too. But hunger was just a pain in his stomach. It can be ignored for another while.
He found it hard to concentrate in class. It just didn't seem possible. Didn't seem to matter. He fails at everything anyways.
Pain shot up through his arm when he tried to lift objects, and through his leg with each step. Exhausted. But he had to keep going. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|02:11 am] |
Still alive. ..
....
In case anyone cared enough to wonder. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|10:56 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Apparently due to the fact that I've had a rough relationship with my parents, I am more susceptible to depression. Apparently because I have been more depressed than the average person, I am more susceptible to boredom.
I don't know about you, but I find these claims kind of weird. My therapist believes that they may be the sole reason for my bad performance in the classroom. I disagree, but whatever. I don't think being bored with what's going on in class has anything to do with my failure at life. I think what it boils down to is whether or not you can learn the stuff in time for the exam. I know that I do very poorly on exams. Why? Because I lack confidence. This lack of confidence is a direct result of chronic depression. .... Great......
I don't know why but I feel like ranting today. It's been a while since I just ranted on this thing, and there has been some good reasons. I've just gone through a ton of shit.
I feel as if I'm being torn in a million different places all at once. I have to make sure that I can graduate, I have to make sure that these websites are done by the time I leave for Clemson again. I have to make an appointment to see the dentist again. I have to make sure that I don't let the plantar warts on my foot spread to anywhere else. I have to make sure that I practice to be able to sit where I want to in the orchestra next semester.
Frankly I don't think I'm even going to do the orchestra next semester. Then again, I do need an A.
I feel so alone recently. I realize that this is because a lot of my friends are graduating and leaving me behind. Eh. Most of my life has been without any friends anyways. I have grown up not depending on anyone, and now that I have friends to depend on, I've forgotten how to sustain myself by myself. I've forgotten how to problem solve properly. I've started to depend on others to do my problem solving for me. I've started to come into the habit of other people doing my work for me. Or most of it anyways. I feel like I can't really do anything now. It's all fake. I feel fake.
I don't know if any of you have ever been in a situation like this before. Probably have. It seems to be common. You like a girl/guy, but you can't say anything about your feelings about him/her. Yeah. I'm in one of those. It sucks. I'd say something, but I don't want to ruin the friendship that we already have. If the friendship was something that I did not care about as much as I do, then yeah I guess maybe I would ask her out, but even then, I don't know how I would go about doing it. Even if I didn't even know her, and was just meeting her again, I would not have the courage nor confidence to be able to ask her out I feel. Of course if I wasn't so depressed all the damn time, I might actually have the confidence to do something about the situation.
God I hate you depression.
So I took a friend of mine down to the Georgia Aquarium. It was an interesting time. All the main attraction fish were pretty much dead. I think they just got another two whale sharks from Taiwan or something like that. I still owe her a Christmas present, but I guess I'm not going to remember that. Hell I didn't even remember to call Sarah back. I still need to do that. Guess I'll do that whenever my brain decides to stop being so fucking fucked up and pulls me out of my miserable mess. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. There's never anyone to talk to anymore. No one I'd feel comfortable talking to anyways.
I think Kat wants me to go to Athens for New Years. Frankly I just want to crawl into a hole and die (yes let's all curse depression together). I don't know why she even likes me. I'm just a horrible mess right now, and she knows it. I'd just ruin her fun. Then again, I don't exactly have a ride up there, so I guess it's kinda looking like I wouldn't be able to go even if I wanted to.
I guess I should go and get some sleep now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2007|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I could write something here, but I know that no one will read nor care about what I write. So what's the point? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|02:42 am] |
Sometimes I wish that I had the motivation to continue in life that other do.
Right now, I don't even know what I want anymore.
I don't even know why I'm writing in here. |
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| Code Monkey -- Jonathan Coulton |
[Nov. 24th, 2007|02:15 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  Yup this is my song now. | ] |
Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
have boring meeting with boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
but his output stink
his code not functional or elegant
what do Code Monkey think
Code Monkey think maybe manager oughta write goddamn login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy just proud
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey hang around at front desk
tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
bring you cup bring you ice
you say no thank you for the soda ’cause
soda make you fat
anyway you busy with the telephone
no time for chat
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle
he sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot
Code Monkey have every reason
to get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
to see your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job fulfilling in creative way
such a load of crap
Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
with big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you |
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| Unbreak My Heart -- Toni Braxton |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|02:00 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The night are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss that pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry that tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my
Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|12:07 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
There's nothing like the company of death, when there's nobody else to talk to.
There's nothing like the feel of numbness, when life is full of pain.
There's nothing like the taste of blood, when everything else is bitter.
There's nothing like the sight of dark, when life blinds.
There's nothing like the lack of caring, when life seems hopeless. |
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| Being Loved |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|08:29 am] |
Shivering, as cold as the cold can be,
my soul is dying.
Quivering, for fear is the heat in me,
my future seems shorter than ever.
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're down and out
When you're down for the count.
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for.
I put on more covers, as the cold creeps in,
I light a fire by the fireplace, fueled by pictures of my exes
Fire's not large, but it burns.
My heart burns with it
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're all alone,
When there's no one to care or see,
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for.
I cry, but no one will see,
I try to hold on, I try to reason,
I dream every night of the one I love,
but always face nightmares when I wake
Being loved is the one thing worth living for,
But when you're down and out,
when you're heart's ripped out.
Being loved is the one thing worth dying for. |
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| Don't call me |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|11:24 pm] |
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My cell phone is in two separate non-re-attachable pieces right now. In other words it is very broken. Please find alternatives to reach me. |
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| Just let me love you. |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|02:25 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  longing | ] |
Stay beautiful for me. Stay the way you are, for there is no better than what I've seen. Let me be yours. Let me shun whores.
Have I gone too far? Have I lost my wings?
Stay alive for me. Stay determined and sweet. Stay healthy for, I have not that pleasure. Let me sit with you. Let me keep you from being blue.
Can I be forgiven? Have I gone too far?
Stay moving for me. Stay soothing. Stay caring for me, for no one else bothers to care. Let me care for you. Let me worry for you.
I'll keep you near. I'll save your wings.
Stay there for me. Stay fair. Stay with me in troubled times. Let me be with you. Let me scare your troubles away.
I'll forgive you. I'll let you wander.
Just let me love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I guess I should be updateing this a bit more. Things have been weird recently. I've not been getting enough sleep due to projects and such. Some of you have already seen my new blog. Don't worry I'll still be updating this one. I'm going to be using that one for tech related stuff. I figured that since I'm going to be in the tech industry, keeping something like that will improve my chances at getting a better position somewhere. Setting up the new domain and everything was definitely an interesting ordeal. It was all done during classes, and having to pay for the domain name while not blatantly whipping out my wallet was tough. Luckily, I had my paypal thing linked, so I dropped some money on that and used that to pay for it. I'm hoping that it was a good investment, but from what I see, I don't see any form of income back in. I may try and get the oscommerce engine back up and running, but even if I do, I'm not sure what I would sell. I guess I could sell some T-shirts or whatnot, but again I'd need to have some substance before I do that.
I dyed my hair btw. It's quite interesting, but it's already fading somewhat. I'll try and get some pics up as soon as I find a digital camera to borrow.
Was talking to Hari last night about how Computer Science has to be the most depressing major at Clemson. Most people think it's architecture because if a building isn't doen right, then they're responsible for the eath of a lot of people, so there's a lot of pressure of getting everything right the first time, but I see the same in computer science. IF we don't program landing altitudes in correctly, having a plane land 40 feet below ground level is also quite deadly. Not pumping in the right amount of gas in an automated fuel injection system could cause the plane to explode, which would kill even more people. ... apparently I need to do more shit for my 428 class, so I guess I'm leaving to go do that now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2007|02:11 pm] |
Note to self.
Start wearing long sleeve shirts or bringing sweaters with me to work. Frikin cold in here now for some reason. Damn librarians who don't now where the damn thermostat is..... |
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| Yan Zi |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|01:28 am] |
My hair was long and shiny,
you said you can't believe.
How could I walk out that door,
or walk along the streets.
You told me I should, you know,
do some bing bang curly whirly afro thing.
I took your word and did
looked in my mirror,
who's that freak?
Why does the world deceive?
Why do I make beleive?
Took my heel and made
achilles out of me.
Still I would want to be,
someone hurled unto to me. Yeah
Someone who sees like a child
gives like a saint
feels like an angel
nevermind the broken wings, and
speaks like a picture
cries like the rain
shines like a star,
as long as the fire remains.
The vase beside my bed,
it's empty almost dead
"it's for all the flowers I'm gonna give you" you said
and now it's collecting dust instead.
Why does the world deceive?
Why do I make beleive?
Took my heel and made
achilles out of me.
Still I would want to be,
someone hurled unto to me. Yeah
Someone who sees like a child
gives like a saint
feels like an angel
nevermind the broken wings, and
speaks like a picture
cries like the rain
shines like a star,
as long as the fire remains.
sees like a child
gives like a saint
feels like an angel
nevermind the broken wings, and
speaks like a picture
cries like the rain
shines like a star,
as long as the fire, ...
remains.
--Yan Zi |
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| Hello Plastic Sheep with Garters… |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|11:34 pm] |
|
So I went with a couple of my buddies from college to Oktoberfest in Helen, GA. Checked into our hotel room, and found a bunch of bloggers partying away. We joined them in a couple drinks of some Artillery Punch, which contains more than enough alcohol to get us wasted (we still went out drinking later that night anyways). Next thing I know, this guy comes walking up the stairs next to the hallway where we were located, carrying a plastic blow up sheep toy… wearing garters! Heck even the blow-up valve was located conveniently right under the tail! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2007|01:11 am] |
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I feel soo betrayed..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2007|01:42 pm] |
I just ate lunch at Harcombe. .... Yeah I know... It freaked me out too. I was trying to remember the last time I was there.
I've completely re-skinned my desktop:
( Pic ) |
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| While in McAdams, |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|11:05 pm] |
I overheard this while working on programming in McAdams. It made me cry inside.
"Dude look at how many USB ports this computer has. You know that that thing is a beast just by looking at its USB ports!"
....
Why are they even in CS? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|07:55 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I feel soo tired right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day. I was going to eat breakfast with Hari, but I didn't exactly feel too hot when I was forced back into consciousness after that nightmare. I feel no motivation to do anything right now. I'm still recovering from that nightmare.
My shoulder is still giving me problems. Considering getting that looked at sometime soon. What I really need right now is a few days worth of sleep without nightmares. That should get me on track. But I don't have the time for it. |
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| New AIM Screenname |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|11:21 am] |
Yeah I got a new AIM Screenname
SakamotoLaptop
Reasons?
I got tired of AOL Messenger Service telling me I was logged on in multiple places, and sending my incoming IMs to the wrong computer. It got really annoying lately I'm not sure why since it usually sends it to both computers. They must have changed their server code or something.
So yeah look for me on SakamotoLaptop if you can't find me on SakamotoKazuma or Cougarfiddler.
I'm also going to delete Cougarfiddler, Clemsonfiddler and Scorpo2048 by the end of the week. Just so y'all know... |
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